My soul slides away
But dont look back in anger

I have been looking back over things from my past quite a lot lately.

Looking at things 20 years in the rear view gives an interesting perspective on my childhood. Knowing people for who they are today causes me to see things that happened very differently now. It is actually quite the conundrum.

You see the only person who actually holds the answers to these questions in their entirety will never divulge the truth. It is not in his nature. That person would be Darrell (for those of you just tuning in that is my biological father).

I was told as a child that my stepmother hated me. Darrell told me these things at 7 yeas old. What kid would question the words of the man who is supposed to love them and care for them above all else? I was afraid of her and even defensive. I constantly looked for evidence of this statement. Please understand my Stepmothers family was always (and still is to this day) so good to me. To me they will always be my family. Darrell and my Stepmother split when I was in the seventh grade. Aside from potentially loosing contact with my brother I was relived at the chance for the drama to end.

And here is where things get funny.

Darrell remarried. I have never been close to that woman, and do not refer to her as more than 'step mom # 2'. We may have interacted 5 times over as many years. Each time was awkward. Her family was not warm to me, this caused me to long for 'my' step - family. I was not comfortable in this situation but still I had hope that this woman would be kind to me. Maybe even like me.

Still the drama did not end.

It spiraled.

In a years time this woman and I hit a wall, no mutual respect. No boundaries of any kind. Things with Darrell became worse. Abusive language was commonly hurled at me. I don't know if it was me becoming a teen who would stand their ground rather than tuning into a sobbing mess of "Daddy I love you, Daddy I am sorry" was what sparked it, or if he got worse. Perhaps it was a combination of the two. By the time I hit 18 we were, and still are estranged. I expect this will not change.

I am pleased to report one change in my life. As Darrell and I grew apart I came to know my Stepmother as a person, a good person who loved and cared for my brother as only a mother can. At once I respected her for getting my brother away from that crazy man whose DNA we share. Over the last year I feel like we have began to forge a friendship. I still refer to her as my 'Step mom' (to tell the truth she is the only step mom I feel I have ever had). I don't honestly know how she feels about this, but I expect if she is reading this she will let me know. She is like that, out spoken - kinda like me (I like to think). I have come to see her in a very new light and have began to reexamine my child hood in my idle times. I simply find my mind wanders there. It is like this is my own personal rubix cube. Looking back I wonder if Darrell told her similar things about me to ensure we did not become close and he could be the only one we cared about when we were together as a family.

Honestly I will never know the truth. But I can say one thing for certain. If I had the chance to trade my messed up child hood for a normal one I wouldn't do it. Was it hard and often heartbreaking, yes. But the people that came into my life as a result are more than worth the pain. I have a PHENOMENAL baby Brother, step mom who is excited for me and my friends. This coupled with the rest of my family and my friends makes this life pretty damn good. At last I can not look back in anger.

Dont look back in anger
I heard you say

At least not today.

Oasis
Don't look back in anger