So, here I am.

As I fold the laundry I have been neglecting, and put away the last of my husbands things that I neglected to the past 500 times I have done laundy. You may wonder why I have washed them each time with no use. The awnser is quite simple, yet strange.... I have been putting his clean laundry back into the hamper, only to wash again. I guess it is a little mind game I like to play with my self. So I am choosing now for a little wake up call. I am currently putting away socks, t-shirts and house pants for a man who is literally on the other side of the planet. It is time to quit fooling myself and deal with this reality.

And while I am at it with reality there is a little fact from almost 8 years ago that I need to deal with. When I broke up with my last long term relationship I took the cowards way out. I offered the reason of family issues. Which looking back was bullshit. I met Grant. I wanted to be with him, or at least have a shot at it and I took it. But oh how I wish me now could go back and talk to me then. Not to put the fear of god in me about honesty and self-respect. I am not saying I at all regret it, just that I wish I would have been more honest about it.. to him and to myself. Only to give some advise. To just tell myself "pony up with reality and you can sleep better at night."

Of course this little bit of advise hopefully will serve me well today too. The reality is that my day to day life is just me, right now just me, save the wonderful e-mails and the close group of friends I have it is just me.

To be perfectly honest I am a little nervous about moving home. I am afraid my family will be too involved in my life. My entire adult life has been spent half a country apart from them. I need my space. I dunno. I guess this is just pointless rambeling.. I just felt the need to get it down, to hash it out. So, failthful reader, thank you for enduring a winding trip thru the recesses of my mind.