A few weekends ago my Grandmother had to go to the emergency room.

The story that unfolds needs a bit of a family tree to really be coherent.

My Grandmother is one of six children. The line is as follows.

Edith, Bud, Maxine (Grandma), Stella, June, and David. Edith is in her early 80's and David is in his mid 60's.

And so our story begins.

Grandma calls Edith late on a Sunday Night, "Edith I need you to take me to the emergency room." My Grandmother says in her calm way that she does when things are important. She is after all a properly raised Oklahoma woman.

Edith puts on clothes and as she passes her son Doug that lives with her she says, "Doug I am going to take Maxine to the emergency room"

As Edith's car is backing out the drive Doug calls Uncle Bud, "Edith has gone to take Maxine to the Emergency room." Bud hearing this news then calls David. Between the two of them they decide that if my Grandmother is in fact in real trouble Edith is not in a position to help. Therefore they decide to dispatch Bud's 40 year old son Joe who weighs roughly 500+ and his best friend Mike who is not too far behind him. Bud then calls my Grandma, "When Edith gets there have her call me." As a matter of fact he calls my Grandma twice in the 15 minute drive between Edith's home and my Grandma's. Upon arrival Grandma gives Edith the message and Edith declares that she will call from the hospital.

Meanwhile, Joe and Mike are frantically racing to my Grandmothers home.

When they arrive they find the door to the large screened in front porch locked. In the car they have a flash light and a hammer. They bust thru the porch door and arrive at the front door. It is locked and no one is awnsering. They call Bud and he declares "Kick the door down." Joe tries to kick the door down , but discovers at 600lbs that he cant lift his leg high enough to effectively 'kick' the door. So Joe improvises. He begins to punch the door. Mike claims that it looked like Joe was going thru tissue paper. They begin rushing thru the house (more like a museums) only to realize that Grandma is not there. They then hurry to the hospital (leaving the house with no doors).

Locating Grandma at the hospital takes only seconds, they are glad to see her. Joe says "well I am really sorry about your doors." This sends Grandma into a tizzy, "what's wrong with my doors?" She asks as her blood pressure sky rockets.

(To those of you who have never had the pleasure of meeting my Grandma simply imagine me, 50 years older and twice as opinionated with less of a sensor on my thoughts. That's my Grandma.)

At this Point Joe and Mike head to the hardware store Uncle Bud owns to find a door to fit. Just when they think they have located the door, my mom calls and tells them "if it does not have a window she (meaning Grandma) wont like it." Now they are back at square one, none of the doors have windows.


As all the above festivities happen my Uncle Richard Allen (Grandmas' oldest child) is racing from Tulsa to Grandma's (a hour drive). First he goes by the house to see how door looks. Where he finds Joe and Mike still working on the door well after 2AM. He begins to chew Joe and Mike out. Then he charges to the hospital where he declares "If you are going to the hospital three times in one month maybe we should put you in a nursing home" As I am sure you can imagine Grandma was none too happy with that. Need less to say he is not the Golden Boy any more.

It has been about 2 weeks now since this little trauma unfolded. Grandma came home that night. The next morning she was up fertilizing her garden and sweeping the drive way. It was a simple case of a summer cold. Grandma claims it was the most expensive ER trip ever.

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Now you see why they need me back home? I am the only one with the key to her house!