Well at long last our saga with NCIS has ended. Tuesday after one year and 26 days our items were returned. At last a chapeter to close. What a relif. One would think I would have more to say about this. But today I have a big cloud of worry floating six inches above my head.

The dominating thing in my life is that Grandma is back in the hospital. This time with a stroke. Less than one month after open heart surgery.

July 23 our server @ work crashed and wiped out all our records from July 1 foward. As a result I have been working lots of overtime. I havent seen much of anyone. I havent even seen Grandma.

I feel so guilty.

Plus she had a stroke. Strokes creep me out. It is like a stroke erases part of a person. You can see it. Its creepy.

Work shows no sign of letting up soon. So much to be done. Loads of overtime in my future still.

One Year and One Day since my faith in this country was shattered. One year and one day since I vowed to be strong, inspite of what came next.

What came next was worry, fear, regret, anger, uncertainty, career changes, cross country moves, lifestyle changes, and change in income brackets.

One year and one day since I felt violation in ways I never have before.

The fourth of july will never look the same to me.

Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.
-Howard Zinn

hopefully next year will be diffrent.

A little revolution now and then is a good thing; the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. (1787)
-Thomas Jefferson

6 years ago today Grant enlisted in the Navy. I called to tell him to turn on the TV. He declared he had to do somthing about this and off he went. I could not reach him all day. It was a day of terror and uncertainty. When I found him he had enlisted.

Now here we are today.

Grant is in Oklahoma far far away from the Navy. Trying to find a secure job. Trying to find a place to live. How ironic is it that changes that took place 6 years ago are being reversed on the same day?

A shrink frind of mine sent me this... it made me laugh.

Yesterday I DID NOT want to go to practice.

As most people know derby girls are not always warm and fuzzy cuddle bugs. And being the head ref means sometimes you bear the brunt of their frustrations. Don't get me wrong off the track they are great, but derby time means business. With everything that has been going on lately I have been withdrawing from friends and family. I think I have hit the depression stage. I may never get my stuff back from the government and it is not cool with me. Work has been sucking more than usual and all this stress is really making married life difficult.

Back to practice.

As the girls were careening around the track I found it suddenly therapeutic to call penalties and yell. I came out of that scrimmage happier than I have been all week. Thats what I do. I ref.

My friend Jess had her baby. Sebastian Nickolai.

Paul is home from the hospital and for once the law enforcement is doing something about this terror. So I am refraining from giving more info.

Grant is getting ready to enter the civilian world.

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As for the mess that resulted with our desire to escape the Military life I am going to try to put pen to paper and tell you how I felt.


It was a routine polygraph. No big deal. Then Grant did not come home till late. He had other people with him.

They came into my home. They handled EVERYTHING I own. And when I say everything I mean it. Closets were a mess, they went thru boxes I had not opened since I moved out of my parents home. My dresser drawers looked like they had been in the mixer. I cannot begin to tell you the level of violation I felt. They looked at my photos and negatives, read my journals. Every piece of privacy out of my head was exposed.

Searched our cars and storage unit in front of neighbors.

All in the name of national security.

In this respect I will say my husband is taking a better attitude. These circumstances to me seem to go against everything I ever thought America stood for. It hurts. I have made no secret of what I think of politics and the current regime. This has only served to solidify my opinion. We are being kept in the dark all for cooperating with them.

I am so ready for this to be over. I am tired of the uncertainty.

Friends, Family. We are coming home. Maybe not to Oklahoma but to a state that borders it at least. We love the weather too much. If this month has shown us anything it is that family needs us close. Grandparents are not growing younger and healthier. Neices and nephews need a uncle and aunt. Our Aunts and Uncles need our help. And our families need us there to help make the family strong. So, yeah. Momma I'm coming home.

To things I have previously alluded to. I guess my husband and I have grown tired of the secrecy. So below you will find his blog on the matter. I shall add my own thoughts at a later time.
-Laurie






A couple of you have heard rumors about what's happened to me. I figure I'll just go ahead and clear the air once and for all. FIRST OFF....TULSA PEOPLE!!! WE ARE COMING HOME!!! Towards the End of October. (Jocelyn...this means in time for Halloween! ROCK!) I'm actively throwing resumes out right and left in the Tulsa area, but I think I have a line on something good. It's been way too long, and these coastal people are crazy and know NOTHING about good barbecue. Sorry folks, but you just plain DON'T.


On to the more depressing news. I think I would rather lay this out in a bulleted format.


FACTS:


-Until about a month ago, I was scheduled for advanced technical training for two months in Pensacola, Florida with a three-year follow-on assignment to Denver, Colorado working for a certain three-letter-government-agency.


-This assignment required me to go through what is called a counter-intelligence security polygraph exam. For those of you who only know about polygraph tests from what you see in the movies and on Maury Povich, forget it. There is not a giant meter hooked up to it that says either "TRUTH" or "LIE." A polygraph machine combines measurements of your heart rate, breathing rate, electrodermal conductivity (fancy schmancy way of saying SWEAT) and body movement. The combination of these signals is INTERPRETED-key word-INTERPRETED by the test taker, who then makes the determination as to whether or not that person is being deceptive. Stifle a fart, and they'll think you're a spy.


-The consensus view among scientists is that polygraph testing has no scientific basis.


-I "failed" my test.


In the aftermath of this "failure," I was submitted to more series of polygraph exams, which I PASSED. Due to certain admissions during the interview process though, NCIS became convinced that I attempted to sell classified information to a foreign government. I told them that I had THOUGHT-key word-THOUGHT about how I would go about selling classified information. Who hasn't walked into a bank and at least thought about how they would knock it off? Counted the cameras? Noticed a lazy security guard? These are mental gymnastics, nothing more. However, in the mind of the NCIS agents currently investigating me - this was a CONCRETE PLAN that I took action on.


WELL HOW THE FUCK DO THEY PROVE THAT IN THE LACK OF ANY EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER?!?!?


*regains composure* Ahem. They try to prove it by basically re-doing my security investigation OVER again. Talking to everyone I've ever come in contact with. In the meantime - My reputation is on the rocks, my computer and iPods are locked away in an NCIS evidence locker somewhere (yeah. They tossed my house.), I have lost my orders to Denver, and the bonus I would have gotten. If I decided to fight this and stay in the military, I have NO DOUBT that I could. After all, these guys are going to do their jobs and beat their heads against the wall for a few months before becoming convinced that I'm actually a pretty boring guy.



But is it worth it? Is it worth it to fight for my military career when my bonus is gone, I have a permanent black mark in my security file, and there's a solid chance I could get sent to fight the Great Republican Oil Expedition Brought to You By Halliburton Industries? Absolutely not. I am getting the HELL out of the military as soon as I legally can, growing out my sideburns, and never looking back. But I'm not bitter. As long as the United States has this lovely omelette called National Security, eggs will have to be broken to make it. I just found out I'm one of them.


Here's one final FACT for you:


-Aldridge Ames, one of the most damaging spies in U.S. History, PASSED multiple screening polygraph tests similar to the one I took. While he was selling classified information to the KGB, I might add.

Most everyone who reads this knows what is going on in my life, if you don't drop me a call and I will happily fill you in.

We still had received no news, 25 days of limbo. At the moment I am growing more and more tired of the government having the power to jerk my family around like this. It really does hearken back to the days of Joseph McCarthy. In the past 25 days I have felt so many emotions, shock, complacency, understanding, acceptance, fear, isolation, (unfounded) shame, regret, dis-belief, and am now approaching rage. How could this happen to us? It seems so unreal. So unamerican. The people I have alluded to in previous blogs (Arthur Miller & Edward R Murrow) I now feel an even stronger bond to. The red scare was my favorite part of US history to study. Now I fee like I am living it. This stress takes a toll not only on mental health but turns to physical problems too, headaches, stomach aches, sleeplessness and sleepiness have joined in. I have heard guesstimates that this could go on for months. I can only hope that this is wrong. I am hoping for the day I can add closure to the list of feelings this experience has brought.

As I type this I want so desperately to link you to things and add in photos. Sadly each digital copy of every photo I have ever taken is out of my possession and I am using a friends computer and do not want to adjust her settings to allow those handy buttons to link things. And I am not that proficient with HTML as of yet. I wish there was a call to action to issue, sadly I can find none. Just please keep an eye out for a place for us to live once we are done with this mess. Our current plan is to pack up and head back to Green Country. Back to a place where people actually care about thier fellow man.

I will be re-reading it again soon. I feel like I read it too fast. So much is there to absorb.


At the moment I am re-reading Idiot girls Action Adventure Club.

In other news at my house there is still no news and I am slowly going insane.

Sometimes You feel like you are re-living history. More to come on this subject at a later time, for now I beg you read this. Ponder this, commit it's lessons to heart.
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Arthur Miller and the Crucible.


Taken from Wikipedia:

Miller himself has stated that he wrote the play to comment on the parallels between the unjust Salem witch trials and the Red Scare from 1948 to 1956. Under McCarthyism, the United States was terrified of Communism's influence. Like the witches on trial in Salem, Communists were viewed as having already silently infiltrated the most vital aspects of American life and security, presenting a clear and present danger to the community at large.

Political dissidents at the time were regarded with suspicion, and, to many under the influence of the Red Scare hysteria, presented a direct threat to national security. The implication of a person's name offered up to the House Un-American Activities Committee by a testifying witness carried the same weight as irrefutable evidence of guilt, and any refusal to name names by a witness was a clear sign of a Communist conspiracy. Miller, seeking to protect his business and personal friends from the negative outlook it propelled, and admitting in private his own desire to keep his inner-conscience and sense of self inviolate, refused to testify to the Committee and was blacklisted by the American entertainment industry.


Many of Miller's peers, fearing the wrath of the US Congress and the US courts, provided the names of their associates to the Committee in an attempt to save themselves from public and professional disgrace. Most of these accusations were procured out of fear and were largely uncorroborated and had no legal basis of proof. Miller, portraying a stark similarity between the collaborators of both the McCarthy era and the Salem witch trials, depicts cowardly neighbors accusing each other falsely to save themselves from the high court of Salem. To Miller, only those who refuse to cooperate to such a system of plain injustice even to the point of death, most notably John Proctor and the seven condemned villagers who hang with him for their silence, hold onto their honor and sense of self and die as vindicated martyrs.

Most of the characters in "The Crucible", including John and Elizabeth Proctor, Judge Danforth, and Abigail Williams, actually did exist, and were involved in the Salem witch trials. However, the historical personages were in most cases very different from their counterparts in the play. For example, the play's John Proctor is a farmer in his thirties or forties, Abigail Williams is a teenager, and the two are depicted as having had a love affair. The real Proctor was an elderly tavern keeper and Abigail Williams was only eleven (and of course there is no historical evidence of an affair between the two). This reimagining of ages and relationships — and many other variations from history — are dramatic license on Miller's part, who openly admits the liberties he took in the process of the play's creation. As Miller said, "The play is not reportage of any kind…what I was doing was writing a fictional story about an important theme."
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“ It was to dig a skeleton out of the closet of America. ”

—Arthur Miller, 1967

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"If we confuse dissent with disloyalty — if we deny the right of the individual to be wrong, unpopular, eccentric or unorthodox — if we deny the essence of racial equality, then hundreds of millions in Asia and Africa who are shopping about for a new allegiance will conclude that we are concerned to defend a myth and our present privileged status. Every act that denies or limits the freedom of the individual in this country costs us the. . . confidence of men and women who aspire to that freedom and independence of which we speak and for which our ancestors fought." – Ford Fiftieth Anniversary Show, CBS and NBC, June 1953, "Conclusion." Murrow: His Life and Times, A.M. Sperber, Freundlich Books, 1986

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With these quotes and text I leave you for the evening. Now to steal a final quote.

"Good Night, and Good Luck"
-Edward R Murrow

This is from my hubby:


Due to unforseen and the most inconvenient of circumstances, our plan for the future has changed considerably. I will be hanging up my uniform once and for all much sooner than anticipated. Tulsa peoples, this means I may very well be headed your way for good very very soon. Thanks for all of your support over the years while I've been on this crazy adventure. This outcome is not what I had planned, but I've learned that life isn't always how good you pick your plays. Sometimes it's about how good you are in the pocket. So to completely exhaust this football analogy, I'm calling an audible and heading home later this year. I bring with me 5 years of crazy stories, an unquenchable thirst for good beer, three guitars and a desire to jam with anyone anytime, and no regrets whatsoever. I know that at the end of all of this I can hold my head high and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I gave this everything I had. That's about all anyone can ask of themselves isn't it? Oh yeah...one more thing. Who's hiring in Tulsa?

Thanks for everything...

Grant


As for me:

I cant begin to tell you what this past week has been like. I have a hard time finding the right words. We were not ready to call this over so soon, but a person can only take so much you know? So I can say this, if anyone wants to be at the opening of the Christmas lights in T-town I will be there! Green Country Roller Girls will you take me in? Rocky Mountain I am sorry things changed, and Dominion looks like I will be around a bit longer. Brace yourself for some more sharp whistle blasts. The song Mamma I'm Comming Home keeps running thru my head. And that pretty much sums my feeling up.

QT here I come!
-Laurie